Emptiness

This soulful song has beeb sung by Rohan Rathore, a student of IIT Guwahati.
He dedicated this to a girl he loved.
He was suffering from cancer and died 15 days after recording this song.
R.I.P.


Edit: Rohan Rathore Is Alive But It’s Time He Dies [Irresponsibly Powerful Web] http://bit.ly/i4Kk1c

Late and Lost

"Time and tide waits for none."

Somebody said ages before. And like every other worldly truths, is still very much applicable today.
I've been late before, on many occasions, and paid the price for it.

But some occasions have been expensive, way too beyond my means and capacity to recover.


7 seconds and almost fell between platform and a running local. And that was 'almost' in true sense. 

7 minutes and missed a flight and half a working-day. I worked an extra weekend coz of it is a different story all together. 

7 hours and missed a deadline. Now desperate for a miracle to help me.

7 days and missed another deadline. This turned out to be not just a deadline, but a year gone wasted. 

7 weeks and doubts are still in the air. Little do we know how little doubts lead to us to not trusting people, even the loved ones.

7 months and people still speak of you not being sincere in your work. Worst part is that its always in hush-hush tone.

7 years and I'm still collecting pieces of 'what it would have been, only if..' 

You may not be, but I'm still lost and still searching for an answer.

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Sorry State of Affairs

It has been more than 3 years that I did something 'good for society.'

The best I used to do was give away few mls of my blood. Did that just thrice before, not more.

Recently I was asked by one of my friends if it was possible for me to donate platelets for his grandpa. I was more than ready.

The staff at Breach Candy was really very friendly, kind, gentle and humble. I felt good about the way the whole thing was carried out.

All this made me remember events that happened the day before.

I got a call from Think foundation, an NGO where I've registered myself as a blood/platelet donor, asking if I can go to KEM for an urgent platelet donation. I told them that can reach in about 2-3 hrs and reached KEM in 3 hrs flat.

I had never been to any civil hospital before and was little skeptical about facilities there. My first impression of the place didn't help much. Considering it a civil hospital, I choose to overlook the madding crowd, the dirt and filth around and found my way to the blood bank.

It looked neat and tidy, atleast on the outside.

Outside the designated room, where I was asked by the incharge to meet another person, a lady was waiting for her turn to get the 'valuable autograph'.

It was really precious for her as that would enable her to get blood from the blood bank.

I decided to wait for my turn, though I could have barged in (being the donor).

In she went, then another office wala, and out came the lady. I thought that her work is done and went in.

"Arre thaamba na baaher!! Ithe goshtha chalu aahe..."

(Roughly translated: Wait outside man!! We are discussing things in here.. though it was nothing but pure office gossip.)

"Mala te..." I tried to convey I'm here for donation. "Bolavto tula," (Will call u) pat came reply. I decided to wait, for another couple of minutes. 

The person out there was looking at me through the gap between the door and called me by hand gesture precisely after 3 mins.

"Haan, kaye pahije tula?" (Yes, what do you want?) in a little irritated tone.

"Mala te Ingole saahibane pathavla hota, te platelets paheji hote tumhala urgently..." (I was send by Ingole for some urgent requirement of platelets..)
He immediately got up from seat, "Ohh aap donor hai? Sorry sir!... baithiye na..." (ohh you are the donor? sorry sir, please have a seat.)

And this was the same man who shoved me away few mins ago!!

Unfortunately, the story doesn't end here.

I was offered clean water (its Civil Hospital, remember?) and garma-garam coffee.
After 5 minutes the guy apologized for the delay and told me that the pathologist has gone to 'attend a patient as there is an emergency.' Valid enough, I had no issues waiting.

After another 15 minutes, I realized something is wrong as the guy started saying things like, "We are so sorry, tumhala aamhi bolavle aaj, pan ithe problem jhala..." (Sorry we called you in today, but there is a issue here).
I was trying to be brave to listen to what he is gonna say next.
"Sir tithe kahi tari gadbad jhali, pathologist la khupach ushir hoil, tumhi udya yeu shakta kaye?"
(Sir there has been some issues, phathologist will be very late. Can you come tomorrow.)

Very first thing which struck my mind was, 'No dude!! I can not come this far, again. I have other plans.'

What I said instead was something like I have come today, you take some sample, do whatever testing you have to do, and let me know if I'm a healthy donor. If yes, I will come and donate next day.
He kept on telling me that is not possible because there is no pathologist available who can deal with platelets.
My mind went, 'You have to take a sample of my blood, right? Any pathologist/nurse is trained for that. Isn't it?'

Finally the guy made a call to the incharge, "Sir tumhala mahit aahe na ti tikde geli aahe? Saheb ithe basle aahet, tumhi bolta ka tyanchyashi?" (Sir you know that she has gone there? Can you talk to sir sitting over here.)

What this Mr. Incharge told me, I would like you all to go through yourself.

"We are extremely sorry, tumhala aamhi aaj bolavlo. Thank you for coming, sir. Actually aaj urgent requirement hoti, pan ji pathologist aahe aamchya barobar, ti ghari geli karan konacha tari lagna hota. Sir tumhi udya yeu shakta ka??..."
(We are extremely sorry we called you in today. Thank you for coming over. We had the urgent requirement today, but the pathologist who works with us has gone home because there was marriage or something. Can you please come tomorrow??)
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Aaj teri yaad fir chali aayee hai

Jindagi hamein kis mod pe le aayee hai,

Beech hamare sirf shikve aur ruswayee hai..

Kabhi saath the aye humsafar,

Abb main hoon aur meri tanhai hai..

Chodd aaye the jin galiyon ko,

Unki pukar aaj fir kaanon tak chali aayee hai..

Socha tha ki bhoola kar tujhe chal padenge apni manjil,

Na jaane kyun, aaj teri fir yaad chali aayee hai..

.

Sinking Ship

You can save a ship which has 'just started' sinking, never the ones which are 'about to sink.'

Best you can do is to collect whatever you can, leave the sinking ship and...... move on

Hypocrisy and me

Hypocrisy:

▶ n

1. insincerity by virtue of pretending to have qualities or beliefs

that you do not really have

2. lip service - an expression of agreement that is not supported by

real conviction

All this while I considered myself not being a hypocrite, someone who hates hypocrisy, in any form whatsoever.

But lately I've realized that I myself belong to this clan.

I have talked about being with your loved ones, no matter what. But I myself generally end up being the first one to leave them in high seas.

I talk about being the loser who would fight even for lost causes. But my last few actions say otherwise. I always end up getting a reason to call it quit; latest one being '.. its not worth it.'

All these have made me think whether I'm really the one who I think I'm or what people say about me is true: mean, selfish, egoistic, thankless, and God knows what all. The more I analyze, the bigger hypocrite I find myself to be; which actually makes me hate myself. Hating myself makes me part of general population, because hate is the feeling people generally relate me to.

But since I can't be amongst common man, I should love myself.

See, that is exactly I was talking about: hypocrisy.

--

There's nothing in this universe that can't be explained. Eventually.

Dreams... Hope...

हर किसी को मुकम्मल जहां नहीं मिलता,
कभी ज़मी तो कभी आसमां नहीं मिलता...

Kabhie Kabhie..

कभी-कभी मेरे दिल में ख़याल आता है,

कि जिंदगी तेरी जुल्फों की नर्म छाओं में

गुजर्ने पाती तो शादाब हो भी सकती थी..

ये रंज-ओ-ग़म की स्याही जो मेरे सीने में छाई है,

तेरी नज़र की शुवाओं में खो भी सकती थी..

मगर ये हो ना सका...

मगर ये हो ना सका, और अब ये आलम है,

कि तू नही, तेरा ग़म नहीं, और तेरी जुस्तजू भी नही..

गुज़र रही है कुछ इस तरह जिंदगी जैसे, 

इसे किसी सहारे कि आरज़ू भी नही..

ना कोई राह, ना मंजिल, ना रौशनी का सुराग,

भटक रही है अंधेरों में जिंदगी मेरी..

इन्ही अंधेरों में रह जाऊंगा में कहीं खो कर,

मैं जानता हूँ मेरी हमनफ़स मगर यूँही..

कभी कभी मेरे दिल मैं ख़याल आता है..

.

This dialog from movie "Kabhi-Kabhi" was one of first few filmy lines I remembered in totality.

Came across once again while searching for an oldie-goldie song.... 

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Confessions

Of late I've been trying to get inside a confession box and pour out stuffs out of my system.

Tried doing it twice, but couldn't actually get to even start the process. Not that I'm fearing anything, but just those butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling: What would the outcome?

Not that the whole procedure gonna make any difference to anyone; its just gonna make me feel a little lighter.

One can dismiss this whole idea as one of those selfish acts I keep on indulging myself in, to get those feel-good-feeling. 

But isn't being happy and satisfied with oneself the ultimate goal since ages?

PS: Last heard, according to some experienced souls, I'm very old school to survive this planet. Lets see, who blinks first.

Short Story

I have been trying to write a short story, with some random things thrown in between.

I'm more than half way done, but unable to complete.

The problem I'm facing right now is how to conclude it?

Without knowing how to conclude, its almost impossible to complete it.

Another option is to keep the ending open to discussion.

Could have done that, but unfortunately, can't as hardly anyone reads my post.

So basically the whole purpose of an open ending is defeated.

So, if you guys, by any chance stumble upon this post, do give your valuable feedback.

Who knows, may be a juicy story might be on your way.... of-course in 'no names' mode.

Safest option v/s Best option - 8

Date: 06 - Mar

HE:

I sat beside her today in the bus while returning from office. We were chatting a lot, on no specific topics as such, but I really enjoyed her company. She is really a cute, simple and sweet girl. 

She said she will be reserving a seat for me in the morning bus. Let's see whether she really keeps her promise.

Date: 10 - Mar

HE:

Since last few days, she had been reserving a seat for me in the morning as well as in the evening bus. 

We both seem to enjoy each other's company very well. I decided to take a step forward today. I asked her for a cup of coffee in the afternoon. 

I was a bit depressed about what she might reply but surprisingly, she said yes without thinking even for a moment as if she was actually waiting for such a move from my side.

We decided to meet at 4 near the café inside the campus. She didn't turn up. I don't have her cell number so I even couldn't call her and ask why she did so. 

It was so embarrassing for me to wait there just alone. Did she do it purposefully? Why? I could make out no sensible reason.

HE:

If she would be having a meeting or some office work, she should have informed me. 

She didn't call me. My extension or even cell number was available with the telephone directory. 

Did she do it for the only reason that she wanted to show that she doesn't care for me and prove her importance?

SHE:

Today there happened a real disaster. The servers were down and I was so busy in recovering them,debugging the code that I almost forgot I had my first 'date' with Niru. 

I suddenly remembered it just before going to a meeting at 2 and I was sure that I can easily finish off with the meeting by 4 and meet Niru, but no. 

The destiny had some other plans. I had to be in meeting till 5. I even couldn't phone Niru and inform him that I am not coming. 

By the time I was free from that chaos, it was already 6. He must have left for the day. He was going to Mumbai today, so he must have left early. What can I do? I wanted to meet him and apologize face to face. Mail or phone won't do. 

I hope we meet on Tuesday. I'll explain him everything. He is a nice guy. He will understand me properly. 

I am hoping so, obviously I don't have any other option at least till Tuesday.

.

.

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And ………

At last the climax that you all were waiting for……  

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SHE:

Today was Niru's birthday and also his last day in Bengalooru as well as in this company. He left in the evening for Mumbai.

It was really a heartbreaking moment to see him parting, especially when both of us were completely aware that we might not see each other in future.

I had made the decision; the only problem was how to convey it to him. I chose to be practical than just blind in love.

People give you cool gifts on your birthday but what I gave him was just a shock, a damn big shock. He didn't say anything except for 'congrats' and 'good luck' but his face told me everything he wanted to convey.

I cried there standing in the whole crowd of his friends who had gathered to wish him luck and goodbye. He couldn't cry out but if possible, he could just have wept then and there.

I said him sorry that I chose Rajesh over him. What he replied was surprising. 

He just replied, 'No need to say sorry. It's your life,you have complete right to make a decision and you are mature enough to do so and you have made a wise decision. We were friends and will be, but please don't expect me to keep a contact with you. I loved you and I really loved you from the bottom of my heart. Now whenever I will think of you I will not have anything else than love in my mind and I think same might be the case with you; and that won't be right especially when u will be a married woman; married to someone else.. So this is our last meet. Thanks for the friendship and the feeling of love that you gave me. Best luck for your future life.' 

And he just went inside the bus. Was he so aloof or he just tried to sound so as not to make me feel worse about our parting? 

I think for all those days that I spent with Niru, I still couldn't understand him properly.

Anyways Niru, what the truth is that I loved you. I loved you like anything but the decision I made was based on practical aspects of life. 

My decision will prove to be better for both of us and I am damn sure of it. I had started writing diary since when I had seen you for the first time, now since you are not there in my life, I am going to discontinue this practice. This is the last page of my diary.

Best of luck Niru, for your future. Love you. Bye-bye.

HE:

This was the worst birthday of my life when I broke up with my love. 

It can't be termed as a breakup as such but we parted; we parted forever with a promise not to cross the other's life anytime in future. 

I felt like crying; but boys don't cry, do they? Yes they cry, but secretly….and that's why I am crying now. The whole page is wet because of my tears. 

Anyways this is the last page. I have decided not to write this diary anymore. This diary had come into my life with Secretary, and since Secretary is no more with me, what's the purpose of this diary? Secretary, just wanted to say best luck for your future.

I Love you. Bye.

RAJESH:

Finally, today is that lucky day for me. She said yes. I am so happy. She is mine. 

Finally my dream has come true. Oh God thanks a lot. You have made my day, in fact my life. 

Very few people get to live with someone they love; I am one of those lucky ones. 

My happiness has no bounds. I am very very happy today.Niru left the company today, I don't know whether we will be able to meet each other in future. 

I had gone to say good bye and wish good luck to him. He was talking to her. 

When I saw her face, I again felt some pain in my heart. Are they both having something? 

If so, why did she say Yes to me? Are they trying to cover-up something? Or is she playing games with me? Or am I coming as an odd between the two? 

I could see tears in Niru's eyes when he left her and got into the bus. Her condition was no different, in fact she literally cried. 

She seemed to recover after a couple of minutes but the way she was looking somewhere into the vacuum, her face clearly was clearly telling her diligent attempts to control tears.

Oh god, please show me the way. I hope I didn't do anything wrong by proposing her. 

The way they both were talking to each other didn't show any sign of quarrel or fight between them. Then why they separated? 

Or they shared some feeling for each other and none of them just bothered to express it? Whatever the situation might be, she has said 'yes' to me; must be for some reason, whatever; she is mine now.

Niru is her past and she will forget him; in fact she will have to. Whatever the case may be, I love her and that's it.

GOD:

Ok. Here is the end of this story, not a unique; in fact a very very common one and a very very sad ending personally for me. 

You might be expecting me to interfere in it at the eleventh hour and change the ending so that either; before the bus starts, She runs to the bus and gets into it and goes with Niru to Mumbai or probably when the bus is about to leave, Niru jumps out and hugs her or Rajesh feels something wrong and just takes her on bike and follows the bus just to stop it and make her get into the bus for Niru and so on? 

But even I cannot help people who cannot help themselves and also as I said before, I had already decided not to intervene and I stuck to my word. 

Every thing in the life comes with a price and if you are not ready to pay for it then you will loose it. And it looked to me that the girl was not ready to pay the price for her love who is Niru now. 

She chose the easy way out which was with Rajesh. She took the decision after evaluating each option she had.

She had thought practically in every aspect and then she chose to kill her love (I wonder what happened to those feelings of the girl "But I love Niru a lot, probably more than I used to love Rajesh in college days"). 

Now you will say that it's me only who decides everything ultimately. 

No. Indeed its not true at least in today's time. You have started playing games with yourself now so even I cannot help. 

I am worried about Niru as how he would be feeling so I will have to look at him as he is totally alone.

I want to say one thing here it's very difficult to find someone whom you love and who in return loves you at the same time. 

Its not easy to find love with True heart. Its very difficult to find some one who just accept you as it is, no conditions. They just love inner beauty and true soul.  

Hi Friends!!

Definitely girls who are reading this are hurt or even angry on the writer for making the girl's character negative in the climax. 

Please forgive him/her as its just a story. 

But there is a reason for giving this climax. In any Typical Indian movie definitely this story will have positive climax like both of them getting married or Rajesh handing over the girl to hero like that.....

Following this so many boys and girls are falling in love. 

But in real life climax will be like this only because of so many commitments and problems.

…..THE END

…….. Not to be continued   :)  

Safest option v/s Best option - 7

Next Day

............ ......... ......... ......... .........

HE:

Today can be called as the luckiest day of my life. I talked to her face to face for the first time. 

Rajesh, my friend had some work today and was travelling by our bus and surprisingly he knew her well. 

They were collegemates during the degree. He introduced us formally.

I was so happy, that I just forgot that sometime back she just avoided sitting beside me. Everything in my brain, all my nervousness, and hatred for her as well as for my loser …all was just washed up.

Now I can talk to her, I hope I can turn this chance to success.

Oh god, thanks a lot… Rajesh was just like an angel sent by you.

SHE:

Thanks a lottt God…. I am so happy. Even he was. I could easily make that out from his face. 

It was just so bright. He still has feelings for me. Thank god, I thought after that day I kinda lost him, but no.

Now we can talk to each other officially. No problem of who is first… we are friends now. God you are great.

RAJESH:

Today I had some work so had to travel by office bus. I thought better to go with Niru just for the sake of good company but it didn't seem to be necessary when I saw my best friend from our degree college traveling by the same bus.

It was a really pleasant surprise to see her after a couple of years or so. I think my transfer to Bangalore will result in some good thing.

She has become more beautiful than she was in our college days. Damn.. why the hell did I neglect her in college when she had crush on me… 

I hope she is still single, not even committed or so. I would like simple girl like to get settled in life. Now I am well settled in job, should go forward with love matter also. 

When I introduced Niru to her today,somehow her face lit up as if she was eager to have a word or two with him since many days.

Niru's condition was no different. Do they have something between them? 

I hope there is nothing of such sort.Oh God, thanks a lot that you made me meet her, I hope you help me once again to make her mine. 

Please just keep Niru out of this.

GOD:

If you get only happiness then you don't feel its value, do you?

That's why everything is planned in such a way that whenever you get happy you should understand its true value. 

I haven't done anything special here.. It's all just happening as predefined.

Date: 04 - Mar

HE:

Since Rajesh has introduced us to each other, the days have been very good for us. 

I mean I didn't talk to her or so, but at least we exchange smile regularly. 

Let's see whether I can sit beside her sometime and have a word or two.

To be continued…….

Safest option v/s Best option - 6

HE:

Today, the office had planned to screen a movie in the campus. I had seen it but thought of enjoying it with friends in the open air. 

I took the permission for an hour from my boss and went for that. The dialogues were not much audible on the lawns, but it was fun to watch the movie in an open air theatre like that. 

I was to leave the place to return to my cubicle and turned around when I saw her standing there just around 10 feet away from me. I don't know why but my heart started speeding a lot higher than even Schumi's Ferrari. 

She just smiled at someone in the crowd at my back, tried her best not to look directly to me and just left the place. 

I stood there for a minute or two just wondering what had happened. Why did she smile? Did she feel good that I am still in the same company only or she didn't even take notice of my presence and really smiled at someone in the crowd at my back? 

But we were so close that it was practically impossible for her to just ignore me.

SHE:

I saw him today, at the movie screening. Thank god he is still working with this company only. 

I thought of smiling at him and greeting him. I was so happy to see him, I wanted to ask him where he was for so many days, Whether he was not well, had he changed his house or was he using bike for the transport, but again I didn't ask a single question. 

I stayed calm. I didn't want to embarrass him again. I don't know what I feel about him, but somehow whenever I see him, I do feel better. I hope he starts traveling by bus again.

Everyday we can see each other in the morning and wish each other a very good morning without any words or smile but just with a plain look.

HE:

I resumed my normal duty today. It was good to see all those familiar faces once again after so many days.

Of course my eyes were searching only one face out of that but still. Just like my normal schedule, I got into the bus. 

She was sitting there with the same plain look on her face, nowhere even a single line of recognition, but when she saw me, her face reflected a small smile. It couldn't escape my notice. 

Was she happy to see me back in the bus? I don't know about her, but I was definitely happy to see her. Weekend is coming ahead hope it will bring something good in my life. Today is salary day so thinking what to do this week end? Hope start of new month with bring in new joy, happiness to my life. 

BTW today new movie is getting released. Promos looks good must plan to watch this movie.

SHE:

I was so happy, I tried my best to conceal my happiness but I felt like getting up from my seat and just sit beside him and talk, talk and just talk to him. 

Hey whats this? Whats happening to me? I never felt like this for anyone. Is this just sympathy for that evening thing or is this love? 

No chance of it. I don't believe in this love at first sight or so. We don't know each other, we don't know anything about each other, how can this be love? Probably just infatuation

whatever it may be I am loving this feeling very much.

To be continued...

Safest option v/s Best option - 5

Next Day

SHE:

Today I saw him in the food court. He was there with two girls and was chatting, laughing, cracking jokes. He seemed to enjoy the company. 

Is he also a typical boy who just wants to have as many girls around him as possible? Is he a typical flirt? Does he want me also to get included in that group for showcasing? Probably the two girls were just good friends of him. 

At least I hope so. Please god please let those be his sisters or just friends, nothing else.

HE:

Since that evening thing has happened, I have left staring at her. I don't know but some inner voice is telling me to keep away. I am not a street walking beggar to be treated like this. 

She might consider herself whatever she might think of. She is beautiful, indeed, but that doesn't mean she can insult me like that. I have sward not to look at her again anymore and just to avoid her looks. 

But I can't stay like this. I just like her and want to be with her. She has committed a mistake, but wasn't that a bit natural?

She doesn't like me and doesn't want to encourage my feelings about her. Simple isn't it? That's it. A complete halt for my feelings and my dreams, but I don't think I can manage not to have even a look at her. 

Will I be able to do it? There is some saying, 'Oh god, change the situation around me to favor me. At least give me the strength to change it. If I can't change it, at least give me the strength to bear it.' Oh God, please listen to me.

GOD:

You don't remember me when you are happy or contempt do you?

When there is a problem or a really difficult situation, then you start remembering me or praising me don't you? 

I still won't interfere here. My world is a complex entity with each and every thing or event properly planned for some specific future as well as past reason. 

Why should I interfere and break the balance of all these systems myself?

Date: 27-Feb

HE:

I was working in the night shift for the whole week so had to travel by cab rather than bus. 

I used to work from 4.00 p.m. to 2.30 a.m. so naturally I had lost contact with almost all people working in dayshift except for my teammates who would surrender the charge to me while leaving for the day. 

For the whole week I didn't travel by bus. Obviously didn't see her. 

She works in the adjacent building only, but I don't know where her cubicle is located exactly and anyways even if I would be knowing that, I don't think I have that much guts to

approach her. 

For almost a week I didn't see her, but I didn't feel any desperation to see her. I was unbelievably aloof in this case. Was it the effect of that evening incidence?

To be continued...